I don't currently watch Grey's Anatomy, but I used to years ago. All the episodes, though the patients and dramatic discoveries were different, centered around bad timing. Meredith confessed her love to McDreamy only to have his wife come back into town. McDreamy confessed his love to Meredith only to have her start dating the vet. Surgeon struggles, y'all. Ultimately, the timing was always just so bad. And while I am currently not a high-earning surgeon that does shots at the bar across the street after a long shift of cutting people open or have dramatic issues that deal with choosing just one soulmate, I get the bad timing bit. Like, get it to the point I'm pretty sure I own property there.
The last couple of weeks have been difficult to find time to do everything..or anything. The days are getting longer but somehow feel like they are getting shorter. I have creative ideas burning in me like a fresh pot of coffee but they have nowhere to go. My husband is working more, which I'm thankful for, but ultimately that means I have less time for myself, pouring everything I can into raising humans, keeping a house standing, and praying I remember to feed the dogs. Like the Meredith Grey of yesteryear, I'm ready to embrace something only to find it isn't ready to embrace me. The timing is just so bad.
I looked back on my goal planner for 2017 last week (spare yourself the time on calling me a nerd, my husband has done it for you every time I bust that bad boy out) and realized I had fallen off of the goal chasing wagon. My goals this year are for combining education and my love of photography and being a creative wanderer to work with other women that want to be artsy fartsy moms. I have this grand plan, it even involves a wildflower crown that is hanging whimsically in my bedroom at the moment, and a timeline and a launch schedule and all of the other things that need to happen. I have pages of PDFs sitting on my computer and emails to send to former students inviting them to test out the new material and posts to write and blah blah blah. What I don't have? The time.
So I looked at my calendar, I took a long deep breath as I stared at my computer screen, and I made a choice. Rather than fight the situation or going to Joe's bar across the street and do shots (which, I'm not going to lie, sounds tempting), I'm accepting that today isn't the right day to do all of this. The timing is bad, my plate is so full, and I'd rather do a few things well than do a lot of things really terribly. I decided I need to walk away from my business today so I can sleep at night and enjoy the days instead of staying up all night typing and blogging and trying to figure out what the hell SEO is anyway.
I want to document my life, make a mess in the kitchen, and go camping on the weekends without feeling my mind wander to the list of things that I need to do or the newsletter that has to get sent for the sake of something that I don't think I totally understand. I'm keeping the sessions I have booked, but I took all of the business jargon down from my site. I'm going to keep blogging about our life, telling our weird and chaotic stories, but I'm taking the pressure off of myself to be something bigger.
In a few years, I'll have more time. In a few years, I'll be the Meredith that isn't dating the vet and the McDreamy that isn't with his wife and the stars will align and I'll teach that workshop to moms and wear that flower crown, but today, the timing is wrong. Today, I'll take photos of my kids, blog stories for a small audience, and know that I'm lucky for this, even though it isn't what I imagined. I'll get a little jealous of the women that have a few more hours than me to chase dreams but know, someday, the timing will be right.
And hell, maybe I'll wear that flower crown while I brush my teeth in the morning, just as a reminder that bad timing doesn't have to mean bad.